a page from the development of mental illness

March 28, 2005 - Monday

flaming ferris wheel Current mood: lonely lonesome cold east. frigid and empty to say the least. fight for fuel that runs the beast. twisted directions with too many dead ends. samplilng simplicity but it always extends. happiness is home and home is my friends. struggle for what you want to see, all that I want is satisfaction in me. sadness and madness indefinately. alter my state, but i can not seperate, my mind from the idea of wanting to wait. something will come, but what can i become, shadows are cast as i watch the rise and fall of the sun.

Afghan Files salernonsense

March 1, 2006 - Wednesday

salernonesense so i sang in the bunker all day. nothing else to do in this place that is growing older with every minute. it's kind of sad how much my mind has grown in a place with nothing. maybe thats why god gave us brains, to combat boredom. but as i listen to new music read new books and write new songs, somehow i feel my view on life is changing with every breath i take. a slow awakening of a part of me i never knew i could use before. i am taking in everything instead of just taking it and not digesting it. i am feeling a brighter broader range of emotion i didn't remember i had. so i don't want to be an ant. ants walk through thier lives bumping antenae never stopping to take in the moment of the confrontation. and we have become just that, ants. so stop it everyone. bump into someone and ask them what they love. everyone wants a chance to tell a total stranger what makes them happy, maybe they don't realize it or are too hardcore. but do it, just experiment. stop being the zombie that the world is slowly turning us into through consumerism. i don't know if thats a word or not but if not i just made it up damnit. drones amused only by what can be bought or sold. no sense of or own culture. i am a victim of losing track of what culture my ancestors took part in and what will my kids have, the same holidays that usually tend to be fucked up anyways, no history no memory of where we came from, ants dont have a clue where they came from. just a big white pussing sack called momma. help the world and make a history for your family if you don't have one. suprise everyone with a new lineage that ensures that the zombie nation will not be achieved. of course there will be idiots in the senate, the majority of the people are idiots, i dont know who said that but they were more true than i thought.

from the Afghanistan Files

April 5, 2006 - Wednesday

improvision of imperfection i'm sure there are places in the world where there is a bond between people and the land and all of them are in agreement. Not here though, the people war the land is harsh and everything just feels wrong. Rocks dust goats donkeys, but what is there here that is everywhere. Greed. these people feel that emotion entirely, they are greedy. not all of them are bad but alot are. My patience with everything is dissapating. I am losing track of time. Makes the days go faster though. Next thing I know I will be sixty-four. No one told me when to run, I missed the starting gun.

fizzlesticks

Depart this wasted day,

creeping and crawling on these two legs,

flesh and bone where my mind lay,

this master at it's throne, it begs,

for visions sight my senses feel,

it's my own dreams that spin this wheel,

on and over burnt these feelings settle,

lay my heart on but one wilted petal,

away this haze that feels me out

karma's paid and stays without

frayed this maze won't let me out

crazed in space I forged fear and doubt

as this exit made in vain and strain and pain

as this terra rolls and rides in perfect manner

as this road fades it loses gravel once again

as this broken public hangs it's black banner

lie as truth and truth in lies they say

let us depart this wasted day

persistence

the lines on the road growing from the shadows, can you hear the rain pour, i followed the lines you showed me, lost inside of these aerodyamic doors, the pistol has been loaded, the trigger it sure feels cold, the way that we have faded, this dirty halogen offset is getting so damn old, my mind is screaming like a preacher pushing you out of my soul, ill wake again another day with trust thats on parole, at least I have these hands they bury my mind away, when these six strings are ringing they're patiently hanging the day

off the road

I'm on the back of a flat semi trailer going down the interstate into some desert. It's mid day but the sun is blurred and the light is a gloomy overcast. I'm sitting on a stool playing guitar while the everchanging clouds swirl over head. they bloom in and out of my subconciousness like white shaddows in the light. The gray destert sprawls around me and there is no one for miles. With slides and twangs shooting off from the guitar in bursts my voice matches the greatest of blues musicians.
With every inhalation and exhalation the sound slid away with the keys of the harmonica. The trailer slowed and stopped and time walked in different directions. The band woke up from the sands behind me and crawled with saxaphones and trumpets in tow. The trailer pulls forward and the parade begins. People were dancing and spitting fire into the air. The desert gave way to beach and I watched the ocean breathe. This is the usual dream.

dragging knuckles

How can we walk with the weight of the past on our shoulders? Why are we all not faded by nature? Somewhere in my mind I think there is an answer to all of the questions but I lack the motivation to seek them out. Somewhere in the world someone surely has done it. If I knew what I should do in life I would do it, but I don't know, what it is, or what I want. I know what I like and what I love, but no words can push me into the future. I live for today, and right now. I get stuck in the past sometimes like a fly in a glue trap. Everyday things are disguised visions of the past. I see a bird or an ant, a spider or a dog and I imagine we are unique amongst ourselves. Do apes laugh? Could you tell an ape a simple one liner,and would it laugh? We are strange and so is the world around us it makes me wonder. What level of evolution are we at?