stuck in swirling circiuts of sadness
retelling and retolling the lacking nature
of the beast, am the beast
and legends die
I'm standing lakeside
waiting for the high tide
so I can cast my bottle
and say goodby
anxiety is mistaken for
claustrophobic inside
agoraphobic out
wild wild world so boring day to day today
maybe we will meet today
maybe we did yesterday
or the other week or year
but it's all drowned
and no one has any real fear
I'm not going to settle
or settle down
settle around good things
build something from nothing
not going to draw
or draw from experience
not going to throw violence
anger in bundled fists
not going to carve
or carve myself from some
stone that I've become
I let the wind and water do their job
I'm not going to gaze
hypnotized in stasis
playing DVR for familiar faces
hibernating mind going faster than I would like
body dying from health and hindsight
creaking joints and dislocated spine
flat floor calling
white tiles and the faucet running
i look in the mirror
and ask where is my mind
1.22.2010
Hollywood and Washington Stole Your Soul
Part 3 of Many
Archaic and without substance my thoughts tremble and flutter. Senses and perceptions becoming strained from overuse is often recurring. The ground it shakes and breaks away senselessly. Violent cancers storm forth in the bodies of the overworked. Eyes, oh god, tired eyes rolling and seeing all the same things.
???8???? Out of Gas
____It came to him one day when he was buttering his toast. That he should do something about the weeds in the front yard. Something had to be done and that was it. The riding lawnmower had broken down and was parked semi-permanently sixteen feet from the side of the house. The weeds now grew over the lawnmower much to the dismay of his neighbor Brent. Brent's wife had told him it was ridiculous and he really should contact the authorities. Brent thought to be more reasonable, and despite his wife's pleas wrote a letter for Mr. Walter Stevens, the tenant of the tidy cottage house. They had shared a beer in the summer, when Mr. Stevens was more jovial. Since then the relationship had grown more tense and bizarre due to a few nights Mr. Stevens had ran past their dining room window as they were enjoying dinner. Now this normally tolerable offense was amplified by the fact that Mr. Stevens was wearing an adult diaper, and only an adult diaper. To Brent and his wife this seemed like dementia, an old man in his late years losing control. It was when Mr. Stevens stopped and looked at them from the patio doors very close to where they were seated that it became an offensive act. Brent started to get up as Mr. Stevens screamed like an infant, spraying spit onto the clean glass. His hand then reached into the back of the diaper and the old man threw at lump of his own slimy excrement at the window, Brent and his wife both flinched with faces turned in disgust, Mr. Stevens laughed hysterically. He threw his hands into the air and ran back home.
____ Since then Brent and Jill Anderson had spoken with Mr. Stevens brother Mortimer his only surviving relative. Mortimer was 73 and still a quite bright man. Brent was watering his lawn when Mortimer arrived in his luxury sedan and began climbing the steps. Brent waved him over and told him of Mr. Stevens recent turn in behavior. Mortimer was dumbfounded. He had visited his brother regularly and had not noticed anything perculiar, and even claimed he did not know his brother to ever wear an adult diaper. Brent scratched his head in disbelief, Mortimer gave his number and said to call the next time something happened. Since then Mr. Stevens became a recluse shutting up his windows and throwing trash bags out his back door. The local cats and raccoons had found a feasting ground. The Andersons could hear the animals fighting in gluttonous rage every night. Brent had to start locking their own trash cans after a few nights of being toppled over by what could only be a mutant raccoon the size of a Geo Metro.
____This time Brent called the local authorities to complain about this problem. An hour later an officer arrived and spoke with Mr. Stevens through a screen door. Mr. Stevens seemed to be polite. The officer seemed satisfied as he walked away. Brent and Jill were pulling the blinds open to see from a window when Mr. Stevens stared directly at them and gave a smirk as he shut the door.
____Country music was playing outside the gas station where Mr. Stevens was standing and filling a gas can next to his car. He through it in the trunk next to a large bundle of dish rags. He drove home nearly missing hitting a freakishly large raccoon on the way.
more to come...
1.20.2010
Filter The Breath You Expel, Diverge In Altruism
=====5===== Next To Nothing
It will all even out he thought as he rubbed his sweaty hands on his pants. He was inside the station looking through aisles avoiding eye contact with the stocky droog at the checkout window. The colors and the lights were making his head hurt, he quickly looked out to make sure the car was in the same place he had left it moments ago. He grabbed a bag of gummy worms and a large energy drink, opening and consuming them at the counter. The attendant looked at him with twinges of disgust and said
"That all for ya partner." blandly.
"Yeah that's it." the man replied with a choking slurping speech.
Life is made up of these awkward encounters.
He reached for the door as a strange electrical feeling rose from his feet to his spine. fear, instinctual, habitual. Everything was quiet after his foot squeaked in it's place. He looked down into his drink, and red on the label "caffine-free". He turned to look at the attendant
"I..."
The beast stood there in the ripped flesh of the attendant. The entire window was splattered with blood. The skeletal remains twitched and bounced blue in the dimmed light. The man stared into the darkness underneath the flesh, and saw a glimmer of a black eye. He saw teeth and twitching body parts, nerve endings flipping around with stripped muscle tissue. As the man pulled the door open the thing started scraping at the glass with a mix of broken finger bone and what could only be a claw. Out the door he could hear a shriek. He looked back to see the mashed attendants head poking through a spider webbed opening in the bulletproof glass.
He ran. it wasn't the first time he had to.
$$$$$$6$$$$$$ You Bought And Sold Your Love.
Sadly enough nothing is ever enough. Looking through the library for a few books to read. Read them on the train. Get home and don't help but think that it's oddly disabling. It's critically sedating. Rub eyes, rub face, be alive. Maybe shave. Likely to misbehave without haste.
It will all even out he thought as he rubbed his sweaty hands on his pants. He was inside the station looking through aisles avoiding eye contact with the stocky droog at the checkout window. The colors and the lights were making his head hurt, he quickly looked out to make sure the car was in the same place he had left it moments ago. He grabbed a bag of gummy worms and a large energy drink, opening and consuming them at the counter. The attendant looked at him with twinges of disgust and said
"That all for ya partner." blandly.
"Yeah that's it." the man replied with a choking slurping speech.
Life is made up of these awkward encounters.
He reached for the door as a strange electrical feeling rose from his feet to his spine. fear, instinctual, habitual. Everything was quiet after his foot squeaked in it's place. He looked down into his drink, and red on the label "caffine-free". He turned to look at the attendant
"I..."
The beast stood there in the ripped flesh of the attendant. The entire window was splattered with blood. The skeletal remains twitched and bounced blue in the dimmed light. The man stared into the darkness underneath the flesh, and saw a glimmer of a black eye. He saw teeth and twitching body parts, nerve endings flipping around with stripped muscle tissue. As the man pulled the door open the thing started scraping at the glass with a mix of broken finger bone and what could only be a claw. Out the door he could hear a shriek. He looked back to see the mashed attendants head poking through a spider webbed opening in the bulletproof glass.
He ran. it wasn't the first time he had to.
$$$$$$6$$$$$$ You Bought And Sold Your Love.
Sadly enough nothing is ever enough. Looking through the library for a few books to read. Read them on the train. Get home and don't help but think that it's oddly disabling. It's critically sedating. Rub eyes, rub face, be alive. Maybe shave. Likely to misbehave without haste.
1.19.2010
Bourgeois Life Under The Invisible Claw
Things get very dramatic. ____1____
He gets hot in the sun like a lizard. On the lawn of some rolling meadow, he has droopy socks and sunglasses on. He is thinking about unlocking the secrets of the world. Breaking down life to the smallest form, and relating it completely to that of the universe at large. He looks up to a blazing sun seeing tiny swirls of life floating through the air. He breathes in and hears a birds chirp in the distance. The numbers are there and he will change the way we perceive reality. A whir comes up behind him and as atoms burst in his mind, a frisbee smashes into his temple.
He died.
Very A-typical shit._____2________
The grapes of wrath grow on the vines of the powerful, using the Earth of man. They don't control the sun, so for now they still have a god they haven't conquered. If fiction, in ways, still dictates life, then everyone is always somewhat right.
You Send Me Darling >>>--<3-->
The moon came out. We didn't expect it to so early. I always think of Dune when I see it and I'm not even sure if that is relevant. We smashed a lot of bugs on dirty windshields from the road and from the cold. I think you wore mittens. I think I was someone different. I feel like I'm someone different. I have grown, but in many ways I'm still the same. I've learned that there is hardly ever perfect, there is only bad and in between. passion, burning kindling. Too many down turned eye brows, too many faces filled with frowns. I will no longer be the sad clown, sappy sucker, god damn.
++++++++++++4+++++++++++++Maybe This Will Make Sense, Rose
I pictured this as being the malleable state that I could do what I wanted t.........
the lord of obstacles
disintegrates reality
a vicious adversary beast
speak bitterly of darkness
when you have not witnessed light
the state and shape of the ways
words aren't worth ancient waste
...t wasn't quite what I meant.
to be continued...
He gets hot in the sun like a lizard. On the lawn of some rolling meadow, he has droopy socks and sunglasses on. He is thinking about unlocking the secrets of the world. Breaking down life to the smallest form, and relating it completely to that of the universe at large. He looks up to a blazing sun seeing tiny swirls of life floating through the air. He breathes in and hears a birds chirp in the distance. The numbers are there and he will change the way we perceive reality. A whir comes up behind him and as atoms burst in his mind, a frisbee smashes into his temple.
He died.
Very A-typical shit._____2________
The grapes of wrath grow on the vines of the powerful, using the Earth of man. They don't control the sun, so for now they still have a god they haven't conquered. If fiction, in ways, still dictates life, then everyone is always somewhat right.
You Send Me Darling >>>--<3-->
The moon came out. We didn't expect it to so early. I always think of Dune when I see it and I'm not even sure if that is relevant. We smashed a lot of bugs on dirty windshields from the road and from the cold. I think you wore mittens. I think I was someone different. I feel like I'm someone different. I have grown, but in many ways I'm still the same. I've learned that there is hardly ever perfect, there is only bad and in between. passion, burning kindling. Too many down turned eye brows, too many faces filled with frowns. I will no longer be the sad clown, sappy sucker, god damn.
++++++++++++4+++++++++++++Maybe This Will Make Sense, Rose
I pictured this as being the malleable state that I could do what I wanted t.........
the lord of obstacles
disintegrates reality
a vicious adversary beast
speak bitterly of darkness
when you have not witnessed light
the state and shape of the ways
words aren't worth ancient waste
...t wasn't quite what I meant.
to be continued...
yay
If i were born an animal I would probably be dead. I hope when I die I can read this.
I hope that the darkness doesn't erase.
I hope that the darkness doesn't erase.
1.13.2010
middle man
The shadows moved like sunflower daydreams across the dull red woven carpet. I could hear a cricket chirping somewhere behind my sweaty back. It's tweets were off beat reminders of existence. This "living" room is not very well named. I don't do much of that here. I swat flies with windows open in the summertime. My dirty bathrobe and hospital slippers are grimy and worn from repeated sittings. I've started to drool. That never happened when I was young. When I still worked at the factory bending metal and driving men to quotas. I, I look at myself and think "what can I do, I'm getting old it's what happens, nature, that bitch, she drags us all down and you knew it would happen you son of a bitch! what can I do now!" Then I collapse into gas filled cushions and bury myself in a pixelated tomb while gorging on mounds of fabricated sustenance that fuel my endless desperation. What have we become.
I don't want to drink. I failed at drinking when my liver did not fail me. Oh, but I feel it's anguish deep inside. A throbbing hurt from abuse and neglect, the worst kind. I had felt my mind fading a long time ago. When I washed it further away with endless cycles of entertainment and living without being whole. I kept my optimism for so long. I kept my head up and my heart open, but the bitter dusts of dissatisfaction wore down on what can only be my soul. No tragic events, a life fruitless may be tragic itself although easy to control.
callouses and cars. Yard space and scars. distance without resistance. utter downfall.
I have eyes to see the complexities of the world and barely the mind to understand. nmbrs nd lttrs hve s mch spc btwn lrnng nd knwng nd jst bng. I have a tugging at the back of my neck from holding up a heavy head. Sleep, sweet sleep. Drown me and take me to the next step. The sun lightens the sky, shadows fade and die.
I don't want to drink. I failed at drinking when my liver did not fail me. Oh, but I feel it's anguish deep inside. A throbbing hurt from abuse and neglect, the worst kind. I had felt my mind fading a long time ago. When I washed it further away with endless cycles of entertainment and living without being whole. I kept my optimism for so long. I kept my head up and my heart open, but the bitter dusts of dissatisfaction wore down on what can only be my soul. No tragic events, a life fruitless may be tragic itself although easy to control.
callouses and cars. Yard space and scars. distance without resistance. utter downfall.
I have eyes to see the complexities of the world and barely the mind to understand. nmbrs nd lttrs hve s mch spc btwn lrnng nd knwng nd jst bng. I have a tugging at the back of my neck from holding up a heavy head. Sleep, sweet sleep. Drown me and take me to the next step. The sun lightens the sky, shadows fade and die.
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