forging dreams

I saw her before.  It was in a dream I turned into a story. I saw gentle eyes and a persistent smile, warmth in my soul reflected from hers.  I saw salvation not in a person but in connection.  I knew that life would be a long struggle, and the biggest ones were to come, I even got part of the name right.  I don't care whether it's coincidence or not.  I dream sporadically and it's often lost in my spacey mind.  A tangle of all I know, some I don't, and some I never will.  Deja vu could happen to you it's true.  Somewhere in reality those dreams form and it's no cause or fault of the brain, it is the possibility of existence.  I've learned that being alone is sometimes comforting, regardless of my situation.  There were times I sat in a little room or in a bunker picking my mind and found no answers to desperation, desolation and loneliness.  What I did find was a drive.  A drive to never be in those situations again if there were anything I could do about it.  I would shed my skin and become what I know I must to live, and live a life not devoted to others but devoted to what is good and helpful.  Happiness is a warm gun, as the steam rises off in the cold, I faced fears I didn't know I would ever have, and I lived.  Most of my friends did and I am thankful to the winds for that.  I only lost a few years, and faith in a relationship I foolishly went into very young.  I am cautious, but now my heart is bigger.  I don't know if I can love, I don't know if my mind will let me make those attachments, those bindings of potential loss.  I still trust someone who takes time to know me.  I don't know how much they gain from it, she gains from it, but I know I have that patience for her as well.  It's not my dream that I rely on to find love, it's a sign to myself long before trauma and pain, that even though I feel alone there will be a time that I will comforted in the light of connection. 

1 comment:

  1. Sigh, this post is too bitter sweet and too near what I feel sometimes....
    BTW I got something for you...email me your address again :)