listening to the see

Liquid in the ear
smoke in the lung
dirt in the eye
the cold steel barrel
the unlit hills

dreams, dreaming, falling, swimming in them
hope to control them, to escape
old emotions swim to the surface
memories and names are now in the front of the back of the mind
unconscious subconscious deliberation
don't can't won't
one letter, one message, one call
could change a life forever
one scowling question can destroy
and in moments of pure loneliness
when the world has turned it's back completely
these are the things that awaken
and this is why they want to die
this is why it's so hard
to trudge through
when every choice seems like a mistake
and in the wake of action
the passion
the loss
the heart contorts, confronts the mind
blind from lust and passion, distraction
drink, smoke, be merry
choke, cough, failing
realization of decision
understanding mistakes
sometimes this takes years
sometimes it never happens in a life
it must be so easy being ignorant
never eating from the forbidden tree
never waking up from the American dream

Full stomach, dry eyes
Can't see no future
can't understand why
we all got problems
and it's all wrong
got to get it while ya got it
because you don't have long
I'm a hard skinned lover
I'm an easy mellow man
I'm sick of this impossible prison
it's more than I can stand
but you know I need you baby
oh, you know I did you wrong
but please, please, please
don't leave me so all ----- alone

The music stops
it all sounds good when you don't know what it means
it hurts more when you do

Wings of Destruction

I am a killer. I have destroyed lives. I have made acts of violence against people in defense of myself, and my brothers in arms. I am a gear that turned for the agenda of the rich and powerful. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I buried the poor, the zealots. I am sorry I fought for nothing. I am sorry my people don't have the power to fight those forces that are so willing to continually destroy life. What happened to society progressing, technology becoming so advanced, and helping the world? I am sorry that I cannot change the way the world works. I am sorry I cannot stop the killing, the dying, the sickness, the desolation, the desperation, the starvation, the dehydration, the battle for power, or human greed. I became a warrior to help battle these things, I only ended up propelling them further. Once I escaped the hand of the government that pulled my strings in directions with no explanation I found myself in society again. I see everyone with a different hand up their backs and over their eyes. I see television, advertisement, Internet, books, blogs, radio, and mental separation from the world we live in. They use the body rhythms, the natural attractions, the instinct, the emotions of the mass to guide them through a maze. I see the elderly of my generation culturally extinct, reminiscent of trivial things, and with no real concept of meaning. I see that now in the world around me. I have lost cultural identity, i have lost purpose of being. The overpopulated world does not need my children, my grandchildren, when it does not need me. Success in the American mind is wealth or recognition, that is not what I need. I don't need a house in the suburbs and an SUV. I can not have that. I don't know if I can be happy. Guilt, remorse, loss, envy, anger, and pain destroy me. They are who I am, I am not me, I am these things. It may sound as if I want pity, I do not. I hate pity. I don't want comfort for nothing can comfort me. I don't want closeness, closeness will never be the same. I want to disappear, to live at the bottom, in the gutters, only living in dreams. Things are better when they don't make perfect sense. I'm sorry.