Shaky Memories

Sometimes we drink
and we fall
we reach for anything to hold onto
but we only succeed in pulling ourselves down
into a place or a time where we never wanted to get to
we are weak
these bodies just don't know
these brains can't conceive
so pray you say
oh yes yes that's the ticket
the key to my salvation
is under the guilty blanket of sin

Our Father
that space between knowing and not
who art in heaven
is filled with the reflection of our grand desires
hallowed be thy name
self love and the ego
when kingdom come
disneyfied versions of death
thy will be done
absolute control freaks
on earth as it is in heaven
painstaking moments of regret and knowledge that karma has a plan

Don't give me bread I'm gluten free m'lord
can't trespass now everyone has electric fences
Violators will be towed
The lights go out, didn't pay the bill
everything is temporary
Amen
Amino Acids
Complex protein
Evolution
Me

Hearts are broken all the time

As I sit here I think that it's quite possible I'll be alone forever
No one can relate to me
no on can understand
what truths the darkness holds
what screaming fear does not give faith to
I think the alcohol on my breath stinks
this dorm room is shit
the people on the street are worthless
and I am alone
Full of pity for myself
Reviewing all of my life's insignificance and pain
one and the same
My bloodshot eyes stess to squint
tears form and I'm whole again
a being, living, dying, real life god fearing
I want away
I want far away
life is not worth anything anythinganything
I want to throw this macbook out the window
I want to ball tears
I wan't to taste the salt of loss and never had
the salt of work is not worth living for
I expire to myself
I extinguish all on my own
I call to the dark in mumbled recitations
of all the loss I have had dealt and dealt with myself
I want to push the daisies
I want to hold the dirt like a blanket
I want to not have to think or feel about this place, my situations, or my motives ever, ever, again.

digging me

It began with a mistake. I had went to art school. I immersed myself in art and culture malignantly. I rolled the dice and the gods have yet to shine on to me. I phase in and out of perceivable reality, and delve into personal abandonment. Sometimes it's hard to keep my eyes open. It's hard to feel for what is right. I am in debt to the world, and the money I owe doesn't really mean anything at all. It stands for the greed and indignity of the rich and powerful. It rides on the back of entertainment, necessity, and luxury. My debt rides on chance like a westerner in the street about to be shot down. There must be a direct link from tat to the heart. I hide I disguise my sadness as patience and rambunctiousness. I stare at the television which never brings me peace. I stare at the computer screen, and this only makes things worse. All the connections, the creations, distractions, and then there is me. I'm lost in a decent, forever spiraling downward and out of control. From the most structured form life has taken to the most sporadic and unsure. I fear the darkness that comes with indecision and procrastination. I find myself forever trapped between these things. I find my heart sore after re-sparking old things that just won't burn. I fear the emptiness of not having a god. I feel the shallow nature of myself, everyone, and everything. It doesn't seem that much matters anymore. The more you search, and want, the less you receive.

Ham on Rye

I've been enthralled with Bukowski. His words inspire and enlighten me. From the dank back lit bars and dirty streets he shows me there is some hope in life. Disposition means nothing. Making your dreams happen is the only truth in life. This dirty old man has grown words like flowers in my soul. I've watched "Born into This", a doc about him, three times over the weekend. I want to watch it again so I can know every intricacy of the man's life. Here is a sample, only a small fraction of an example of one facet of the genius that is Henry Charles Bukowski.

Dinosauria, We
by Charles Bukowski

Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante’s Inferno will be made to look like a children’s playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.

Split

I painted the sky
thunderheads loomed
in each tiny raindrop
my sadness bloomed
I caught the cold front
heart does contract
waves of light
in solemn eyes react
perched on the branches
sparrows grew
leaves of the season
god there were few
i painted the ground
buried my soul
felt the pestilence churning
in the little black hole
teeth grind in a scowl
no stopping it now
harvest has gone fowl
no telling how
explosion, cracking thunder
it clings in my ears
it shatters my thoughts
breaks through to my fears
tension, intensity, relentlessly
bombards and discards.... me
no vision, no thought, no words on the page
no works in the halls not sunsets I gaze
no tears, no wishes, no hopes, and no dreams
those are all teases
for nothing pleases me
this pressure this passion
flow like broken pipes
into the page into my night sky
the darkness, the death, the shadows
I endure
waste no time in denying me
anything sure
and anything pure
this onslaught of actions
the lack there of
the putrid sound of silence
detriment to my love
still drops hit my head
seeping my own foul pain
the songs of desperation
all remind me of rain

Adult Fantasy Remix

Stare into the Fire

Grinding feelings deep in the pit
the more I don't care
the more I feel it
Needles of light
cut through dense night
the world breathes
Cool fog forming drops of neon and blue
dance, slip, hang on lamps and windows
Cycles of moisture
hold bonds of matter
with every drift, wave, and splatter
Agitated states
change the world forever
The sloth of our being
shaped moments together
Thin lines wash in and out of blackness
distant pictures of regret and sadness
O my frayed pieces!
I stomp the sidewalk
frantic solution
I stare into the fire
watch my minds polution