digging me

It began with a mistake. I had went to art school. I immersed myself in art and culture malignantly. I rolled the dice and the gods have yet to shine on to me. I phase in and out of perceivable reality, and delve into personal abandonment. Sometimes it's hard to keep my eyes open. It's hard to feel for what is right. I am in debt to the world, and the money I owe doesn't really mean anything at all. It stands for the greed and indignity of the rich and powerful. It rides on the back of entertainment, necessity, and luxury. My debt rides on chance like a westerner in the street about to be shot down. There must be a direct link from tat to the heart. I hide I disguise my sadness as patience and rambunctiousness. I stare at the television which never brings me peace. I stare at the computer screen, and this only makes things worse. All the connections, the creations, distractions, and then there is me. I'm lost in a decent, forever spiraling downward and out of control. From the most structured form life has taken to the most sporadic and unsure. I fear the darkness that comes with indecision and procrastination. I find myself forever trapped between these things. I find my heart sore after re-sparking old things that just won't burn. I fear the emptiness of not having a god. I feel the shallow nature of myself, everyone, and everything. It doesn't seem that much matters anymore. The more you search, and want, the less you receive.