a kinder gentler anger

the pills don't help
breathing, sleeping, eating don't help
tapping your foot doesn't help
pacing and scratching your head don't help
grunting and grinding teeth don't help
yelling doesn't help
punching the walls doesn't help
kicking the table doesn't help
scratching an itch harder than you should doesn't help
television doesn't help
water doesn't help
drinking might help but your not in the mood
staring at the wall you just hit doesn't help
youtube videos don't help
writing doesn't help
thinking about it doesn't help
cigarettes don't help

you slide off the couch. Fill your cup, empty your cup. You pick up a magazine disinterested. You change the channels. You light your smoke. You inhale. You check your phone. You check your computer. You get up just to walk. You walk around the coffee table. You flop on the couch. You write. You drink. You change the channels. You drink. You light a cigarette. You drink. You check the computer. You check your phone. Rinse, lather repeat, repeat, repeat.

In the short grass in the middle of a tall field surrounded by trees, you wake up. The clouds are a light purple and you can see the moon in the daylight. The only sound is the wind and your heartbeat. You lay down. The clouds pass like slow traffic in the sky. The sun burns somewhere out of sight. You breathe and it tastes good. Closing your eyes, you can feel the shadows sweep all around you. You can feel the static taking over your body starting at the back of your eyes. This happens everyday. Everyday, every minute, forever. You eventually get up and wander. You get through the tall grass to the trees full and waving. You pass them to another field. You walk across through the tall grass, then through the short grass. You lay down, the static takes you. This happens again and again forever. You dig but all you get is a big hole. You tear plants down, but everytime you open your eyes they are back again. You want to say this cloud looks like "this", or that cloud looks like "that", but you can't. Your mind doesn't work that way anymore. It happens every day, every minute forever. You scream. No one, and nothing answers. You climb the tallest tree you can find, it's a struggle, but you make it. At the top you look around and see nothing but circles of trees, around tall grass with short grass in the middle forever. You shake the tree and yell. You fall. Forever. Every day, every minute, forever. Rinse, lather, repeat, repeat, repeat.