I haven't taken St Johns Wort in a few days and feel a little unsettled. I feel a little tired, a little lost, and a little scared. Too many things are stirring up my already muddled mind. Old friends bring back old memories, memories of old friends.
Many people refer to life as a long road. When I think of it that way I see some parts as the long amazing scenery I grew tired of and fond of at the same time, other parts are pothole riddled, others are country back roads where I got lost, but too often they were loops I spiraled around in thinking I was getting somewhere, but was only running out of gas. Right now I feel like I'm on an extremely long on-ramp. The dashboard is littered with postcards of all the places I have been. My car is getting older and not running quite as well as it has. The air freshener has run out, and I no longer control the air conditioning. Sometimes it rains and the wipers don't work. Sometimes I have to get out and hitchhike, but no one wants to pick me up. Sometimes I curl up in the back with my stories, and my emergency blanket, eating gas station candy til I fall asleep. There is one photograph of a snowy hill overlooking the city that is worn terribly on the edges. It is dark out and the shadows of the leafless trees are cast by street lamps. You can see two figures inside shivering, hiding from the cold. Other than them, society does not exist.
I have been separated and divorced for over a year. It was a mistake and I've been thinking about how big a mistake it was lately. I want to take it back, but it's impossible. I went to my cousins wedding last month and it hurt seeing how really beautiful a wedding should be. I feel like my tainted version of marriage and relationships has destroyed my ability to find love, or to look at love the same way I did before.
There are worse things than being alone, like being with someone who you do not love, but being alone is still in the top five. I want a drink, but I have to work early. I should be sleeping now instead of writing this. My eyes are drooping and the Cubs are winning. I wish it would rain some more.

1 comment:

  1. Wow can I relate to this. I'm so broken hearted that I'm finding it hard to breathe. I hear you on love and old memories bringing coming back to haunt you. To me they feel the way a broken bone feels before it rains. It's not broken anymore, but it hurts just the same. That same numb yet painful feeling.